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10 Tips for dating an Evil Genius

Who doesn’t love the idea of total power? The thrill of world domination has a great attraction.

But maybe you just aren’t cut out to rule the planet; there’s nothing wrong with that. Not everyone has the ambition required to get together the wealth and personnel to seize all.

This is where dating has its advantages.

There are plenty of people out there with aspirations for planetary conquest; some of them looking for that special someone to rule by their side.

Here are some points that are useful to know if you intend for this kind of special partnership to bloom.

10. Location, Location, Location

You won’t usually find evil geniuses hanging out in coffee shops looking for a date while sipping a latte.

Finding your one true love can be a difficult journey; you can either take a holiday to secluded, volcanic islands in the hope that you will meet someone walking along the beach, or get creative and put out a personal ad that will catch the eye of a powerful tyrant.

9. Henchmen

Once you have made contact with your ambitious love interest, the first thing you will notice is that there will be many people in his/her life.

Don’t be worried: these people are just henchmen. Henchmen are underlings in an Evil Genius’s lifestyle; they carry out menial tasks and keep things running smoothly so that you and your new love can get on with more important things like dating and destroying Paris.

8. Pets

An Evil Genius loves their pets, be it their aquarium full of laser sharks or pack of carefully trained tigers.

These animals fulfil necessary roles but need love just as much as any house pet.

A fondness for animals is a great thing to share with your intended.

7. Jealousy

Occasionally people will come into the life of your Evil Genius in an attempt to bring their “ambitions” to an end. It may seem that your love is spending an awful lot of time and effort on these individuals. Jealousy is a natural reaction.

Fear not- any Genius worth your time will have ways to rid these people from your lives and so your worries will be short lived.

6. Budget

It can be hard to budget when your partner is an Evil Genius. They aren’t being cheap, just careful with their hard earned “loot”. After all, they have a business to run and until their bold venture pays off, you may need to tighten your purse strings.

Making your money stretch can be as easy as going out for picnics along the rim of the volcano or taking long walks together around the lair.

5. Travel

Once your and your Evil Genius have settled in to a romantic life together travel will become frequent and exotic. Sure, a lot of the places you go to will be on business trips, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourselves.

Remember to take lots of photos for your album; the place you go to may not be there once your Evil Genius’s plan gets in motion.

4. Reputation

Reputation is a very important thing to an Evil Genius. He/she is judged by what they do and whether they succeed or fail.

You can help by working with them to improve their image. Stand by their side at parties, learn to network with their colleagues and competition, and, if possible, help to remove obstacles from their career.

3. Privacy

The lair of an Evil Genius is a place of privacy as well as business.

Many of the things that your partner gets up to will be questionable, and the governments of the world won’t stop until they learn everything.

Give your partner as much space as they need to work, and be sure to make sure that all the lair’s security up to scratch. No one likes it when the surprise is ruined.

2. Doomsday Weaponry

The end goal for any Evil Genius is their Doomsday Weapon. This is the pride and joy of your partner and will take up all of their attention until it is ready to use.

It may be a death-ray, silo full of nuclear missiles or just a plague designed to wipe out all life. No matter the tool, your wonderfully ambitious partner will want to bring it to bear as soon as possible.

Once the world learns of what your partner has to offer they will give anything to keep him/her happy.

1. Break-up

Maybe your partner’s ambitions are too much. Maybe you just can’t stand the constant flow of secret agents trying to seduce the Genius you thought you could trust. Or maybe you just don’t want to live in a space station any more.

Whatever the reason it may be time for you to cut your losses and get out of the relationship.

Evil geniuses can be a moody bunch and may not appreciate you wanting to go. So my advice to you is to wait until everyone is occupied and slip out quietly.

It may seem like a cowardly thing to do but it’s better than ending up as dinner for a pack of hungry tigers.

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An Apocalyptic future:

The end of the world is nigh! It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it’s going to happen. So as a gift to all you lovely readers, we have assembled together a list of the possible ways the apocalypse may come and things that you can do to be sure that you are prepared.

This list is by no means comprehensive; there is a myriad of futures and, when it comes down to it, we don’t know how it’s going to end. The best we can do is give you an idea of what you have to look forward to.

Nuclear-World-War

What it is:

The cold war may have ended but there is still reason to worry. With over twenty thousand nuclear weapons worldwide there are plenty to go around. With each one able to evaporate large cities and dump enough radioactive fallout to poison the land for decades there is a real risk of this one.

How to survive it:

Duck and Cover! Seriously; Lying down and hiding behind a solid object or in a hole will protect you from the majority of the main blast wave, leaving you free to navigate the newly irradiated wilderness at your leisure.

The safest place to be, of course, is in a bomb shelter with your family and friends. Your town may not be habitable for many years, and supplies out there will be few and far between – better to be safe and secure while the bombs fall.

What you will need:

Ideally, you will have a bomb shelter and a carefully stocked hoard of supplies to see you through the storm. Failing that you will need clean water, food, anti-radiation medication and something to keep the wasteland bandits at bay.

Invasion

What it is:

Robots, zombies and aliens. Oh my.

Science will probably be to blame for this one. Be it sentient robots rising up against their creators, zombie hordes roaming the streets or aliens angry that our space probe just knocked over their mailbox, it will end the same. We Humans will lose our place as the dominant species on the planet at it will be up to those who survive to fight on.

How to survive it:

Don’t give up! Start a resistance movement to fight your alien overlords. Don’t let the scaly ones win without a fight.

Robots fear magnets and water. Use them as your tools to secure your place in the new world order, or just wait until they run out of batteries.

Zombies are slow and stupid. Run away when you see them coming or pick them off one at a time with a sword or shotgun. Don’t let them touch you though; the last thing your friends want is their kindness coming back to bite them.

What you will need:

Be prepared for all eventualities. Keep a bag with the following gear in it and you will be ready for anything: shotgun/shovel/any other weapon, super-soaker, fridge magnets, anti-alien pamphlets and a catchy slogan to build your rebellion around.

Natural disaster

What it is:

Asteroids, volcanoes, floods and earthquakes. Anything that the earth or space uses to try to knock us off as a species. We have seen this recently and it may be a harbinger of things to come.

How to survive it:

Move somewhere inland and far away from active volcanoes. For added protection against asteroids the best place will be inside a mountain somewhere. Stay calm and optimistic and you will come out on top in the new world.

What you will need:

A bunker far inland, away from oceans and tectonic plates, preferably built in a mountain of granite. Take lots of supplies and a pile of books; it may take months or years for the chaos to subside.

Neutron bomb

What it is:

A neutron bomb is a kind of nuclear weapon that floods an area with neutron radiation, killing everything without damaging the surroundings.

How to survive it:

In short; you won’t. This thing kills everything.

But if you are lucky enough to be outside the blast zone when it hits you will have a whole city to call your own.

What you will need:

Luck.

Religion

What it is:

Every religion has its own idea about the end of the world; the Hopi Indians believe that the world will be covered in iron snakes, the Norse had an all-destroying battle between the gods called Ragnarok, and Hinduism states that the world will be consumed in a flood.

The Mayan calendar predicts a “great change” for 2012 which many people believe will be the apocalypse.

How to survive it:

Depends on your religion. Judaism, Christianity and Islam believe that believers in their faith will be saved, the others tend not to let people off so easily. Many just believe that everything ends.

What you will need:

A really lucky dice roll to help you decide which faith to join. But the odds are stacked pretty high against us no matter which you get.

Plague

What it is:

The Black Plague killed between 30-60% of Europe’s population in the 14^th century. There are over 225 million cases of malaria every year world wide. Smallpox killed over two million people in 1967.

And these are the viruses and plagues that came about without the help of humans.

These days there are research labs specifically designing new viruses and bacteria for both the betterment and detriment of mankind. One superbug could wipe out all life on the planet.

How to survive it:

For the Black Plague all that was needed was a strong immune system. Smallpox was almost eliminated with the engineering of a vaccine and malaria is now easily treated.

For a super-virus or bacteria, though, there may be no vaccine or protection to be had other than living in a plastic bubble with filtered air.

What you will need:

A vaccine, a hazmat suit or a team of scientists working around the clock on a cure.

Survival Tips (whatever the case)

Be prepared to eat things you never have before:

Rats may not be as appetising as a hamburger but there should be plenty of them around feeding off the old world. And the radiation will have made them grow big enough to feed the whole family.

Not everyone you meet will want to be your friend:

With robots, zombies, aliens, cannibals and bandits everywhere chances are that some of them might want to do you harm or steal your food. Don’t trust anyone.

Romance is not dead, just most of the people:

Don’t let the end of the world ruin your social life. A picnic on the edge of the irradiated lake with your special someone is a perfect way to way to relax at the end of a long day.

And when it all comes down to it; the most important person in the world is you. Hell, you might be the only person left in the world.

Stay informed, stay alert, stay alive.

MUSIC: REM — It’s The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

U2 – Until The End of the World

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Jamie Says:

Gonzo Journalism

Write what I see

Personal principles do not allow me to write about things I haven’t had at least a passing acquaintance with; so when I say I have been a victim of the Gonzo addiction you will understand that I know what I’m talking about.

Nigh on a decade ago I was involved in a school newspaper, which was small and unimportant, and took up the mantle of columnist for the first time in my life. As a young and impressionable teen I wanted to change the way people thought; of course I did, I was an outsider, I wanted to make a stand and be noticed. So without the knowledge of what I was really doing I started writing long articles about the way I saw the educational system, why people should think for themselves, and not being victim to peer pressure.

After the first paper was released I was called into the principal’s office and thoroughly warned to stop my seditious activity as he thought it was telling the students not to listen to their teachers and to abandon the “normal” modes of thought.

That day I learned a fundamental point about the written word. If wielded correctly, it can scare people and make a difference.

I was far from the first person to discover this fact. For many decades before me journalists have been writing exactly how they see the world; what they think of people, how it makes them feel, being a voice for one side of the argument. Often by using sarcasm, profanity and quotes taken out of context.

The term “Gonzo” was coined in regard to the now infamous journalist, Hunter S. Thompson, and his article about his perception of the Kentucky derby, which he saw as a lewd and debased spectacle. The word itself is one of questionable origins; either being slang for the last man standing in a drinking marathon, so the last one able to talk, or a modified version of the french gonzeaux, meaning “shining path”.

The current definition is closer to “telling it like it is” or “with reckless abandon” and so it has been applied to other fields were directness is rare.

Gonzo journalists rarely become widely popular and very rarely appear in major newspapers (as large publications are usually trying to encourage readers to think in one direction, which is often in direct opposition to the Gonzo journalist’s intentions).

America became a haven for Gonzo journalists in the late 20^th century. The seemingly endless string of corrupt politicians gave them plenty of targets to ridicule and deconstruct.

Gonzo isn’t just a tool for political mockery though. The journalists often travel to war zones, poverty and disease-ridden countries, and nations experiencing human rights abuses, to do exactly what their job title implies: they tell the world exactly what they see. As a result many people, including politicians, are forced to act.

A great example of Gonzo journalism exists in the graphic novel series Transmetropolitan, where the protagonist, “Spider Jerusalem”, works as a highly successful journalist who is so direct and profane about his perception of the world that he becomes infamous enough to effect nation-wide change. This series also falls into one of my favourite pieces of media because of its high cyberpunk themes.

As long as we have the freedom to say what we think, or more importantly what we see, we will have Gonzo journalism. It may not be nice, or pretty, or even politically correct, but at least it shows that people can be honest about how they see the world.

Trailer for Gonzo: The Life & Work of Dr Hunter S Thompson

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Jamie Says:

For hundreds of years the Zombie has been a creature of fear and loathing. But what about the sweeter side of this undead menace? Be it out of curiosity or genuine love for these shambling individuals you may be tempted to try and date them.

Here are three methods of starting a relationship with a Zombie and ten tips that will help you survive it.

Forming a relationship with a Zombie:

• Voodoo: Treating the object of your desire to a dinner of puffer-fish and datura plant is a tried and tested method of forming a bond that will stand the test of time. Sure, conversation will be one-sided but you will never have to do housework ever again.
• Viral Outbreak: The old adage of “There are plenty more fish in the sea” takes on a whole new meaning during a Zombie outbreak. The tough part has already been done so now it is just up to you to pick the partner of your dreams from the thousands roaming the streets.
• Raising the dead: This method is more of an acquired taste than the other two. The girl or guy of your dreams may have just shuffled off their mortal coil or perhaps you would like a partner of many different parts. Just stitch them together and raise the lightning rod. Sparks are sure to fly when they lurch off the operating table.

Things to remember when dating a Zombie:

• A Zombie partner prefers their weather cold. This stops them drying out or rotting. You will probably need to wrap up warm when hitting the town or cuddling up in front of the TV.
• Food shopping for a Zombie is simple if not always cheap. You will never find a Zombie partner embracing the vegetarian or vegan lifestyle, so cooking is much easier, just keep lots of fresh meat in the freezer.
• If your relationship starts to fall apart start carrying around a staple gun or needle and thread. A nose or ear dropping into your soup at the fancy restaurant may be considered bad taste.
• Dinner parties with your partner’s friends can take some getting used to. Zombie guests will often leave trails of blood or other dirty substances across the carpet as they lurch around your house and their table manners often leave a lot to be desired.
• Mind your head. Zombies love you for your brain above all things. And if you aren’t ready to share it wear a helmet or thick cap when you are together.
• Be wary of your choice of movies that you watch with your partner. They may see many horror movies as biased against their lifestyle. It may be handy to keep a few around just in case the relationship turns sour and you need some tips on ending the partnership.
• Jealousy may strike during your relationship. The living may not understand your love or another member of the Zombie horde might try and force their way into your life. A committed relationship will outlast the angry mob.
• At some point your partner may start pushing for you to take the plunge and join them in the Zombie lifestyle. Stay firm in yourbeliefs and be sure of your choices. Remember: once you are infected you can’t go back.
• The only way to get out of a bad relationship with a Zombie is to destroy their brain or sever their spinal cord. For this reason your relationship toolbox should include a shotgun or shovel.
• If your relationship has come to a close don’t fret, there are plenty more attractive young Zombies ready to be your life partner.

White Zombie: Thunder Kiss ’65

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Jamie Says:

Bibliophilic:worth my weight in books

Disposable income can be a dangerous thing for an avid reader; not only are you able to cease reliance on libraries for your literary fix, but you are at risk of becoming … a bibliophile.

While the world is languishing under the iron fist of the E-book, a resistance has built up around strange icons made of paper and ink. I speak, of course, of books: tangible, solid, heavy (and, occasionally, expensive) tomes of knowledge and imagination.

I won’t go as far as to lay down a history of written text – around 5,000 years ago with clay tablets, or the use of papyrus as a writing medium (it’s from this that we gain the Greek word biblios or biblio for book) – but instead focus on the modern word and the medium and love of these volumes of text. As a species we have a habit of hoarding items of interest – as a dragon does with her pile of gold, so is the bibliophile with their books. And I am unashamed to admit my own hoard is of great importance to my life.

Love of the common book is a hard thing to explain; some are attracted to the smell of dusty pages, or the feel of well-bound pages, or just out of a magpie-like desire to collect. Whatever the reason, there is beauty and wonder to be found in the written word.

Bibliophilia can take many forms, although to the uninitiated these may all be equally strange. A classic bibliophile is a person who delights in the collection of rare or specialised texts. First editions, autographed copies and misprints are all delights of a traditional bibliophile’s collection.

In modern times, the bibliophile has become an almost socially acceptable role, with many

literate people collecting multi-part epics, the popular series at the time, and the mundane book club recommendations. Piles of mass-market paperbacks stacked high on bedside tables, bookshelves filled with overcooked modern fantasy, and randomly arranged volumes of the latest big thing have become status symbols just like the cups from trendy multinational coffee houses.

For the true bibliophiles, there is always a place for the majesty of real literature. Books that start genres take pride of place beside the signed first edition trilogy of a favourite author. Classics that have the market price of a small house are regularly traded among those who have money to burn.

But, as our primeval ancestors knew, the true joy is in the hunt. Second hand bookstores are grazing grounds for forgotten tomes. Booksellers who don’t realise the value of what they hold are often oblivious to the treasures that await the specialist shopper.

This is a love that no manner of assault by the lovers of electronic books will be able to quell. A book requires no battery, has no screen that can shatter, or moving parts to cease functioning. It can be read when all power as stopped flowing or while you’re stranded at sea or on a deserted island. They can be enjoyed in a group or on their own and they will make you a better person for involving them in your life.

I am a bibliophile. I love books.

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